Poirot’s Christmas Carol

An air of gloom surrounds Whitehaven Mansions,

Where England’s great detective used to dwell.

For Monsieur Hercule Poirot has decided to retire

And leave behind his life in Clerkenwell.

He is planning to grow marrows but he doesn’t have a clue

And stuffing one, that’s really not his style,

By Christmas he’ll be bored to death with no more crimes to solve.

And country life is bound to prove a trial.

 

And sure enough when Hastings pays a visit to King’s Abbot

He finds Poirot in a state of some distress.

“My word you’re looking dreadful and your moustache needs a trim.

You must return with me to convalesce.” 

Captain Hastings makes a toast. “This night is Christmas Eve.

Tomorrow’s Christmas Day we should be merry.

So whilst you go and pack your bag, I’ll brew a pot of tea

Or would you like a glass of cooking sherry?”

 

“That's the trouble with you Hastings,” snaps the great detective.

“Extravagance and excess are a sin.

Christmas is a humbug! Now I've told you that before.

It tastes of mint, is hard and in a tin.”

Poirot’s feeling stubborn and throws Captain Hastings out.

“Zut alors, you’re wearing out the mat.

I’ve no reason to make merry for I have no case to solve 

So I’m staying in my bed, and that is that.”

 

Poirot retires to his room, and soon falls fast asleep.

‘Til a fearsome sound is heard to pierce the night.

Then the spectre of a woman, emerges through the mist;

Miss Lemon, makes her entrance, dressed in white.

She tells Poirot that some spirits, will visit him quite soon.

And says he ought to listen to their tale.

“The first will come at one o'clock, I’m sure he’ll be on time.

Despite the latest strike on southern rail.”

 

Just as she said, at one o'clock, the mantle clock doth chime.

At which point Poirot’s nerves are rather weak.

He slowly sips his tisane as the spirit form appears

The Ghost of Roger Ackroyd starts to speak.

“Come with me Hercule Poirot to that time so long ago

Where innocence and youth you knew so well.

Although you helped solve many crimes, at Scotland yard they snubbed you. 

Perhaps they couldn't stand that garlic smell.”

 

The spirit slowly fades, like some artificial tan,

Poirot’s left confused and full of fear.

Upon the wind a second chime, then blinding lights above.

As ghosts of other victims soon appear.

They remind him of the crimes he’s cracked at Styles and on the links,

On planes and on the orient express.

Involving counts and countesses, an actress and a nurse

And sneaky crooks reluctant to confess

 

They drop in on a family, together in their hovel.

Inspector Japp lives here. It’s rather grim.

Mrs Japp’s called Mabel, she’s a backside like a table.

And the weakling in the corner’s Little Jim.

When Poirot left, Japp lost his job and started drinking gin

The crime rates started rising to a peak

Miss Marple moved into a home and Father Brown lost faith,

When Clouseau joined Scotland Yard last week.

 

Japp hasn’t got much pension so he can't afford a goose.

And they're worried Little Jim’s just growing thinner.

They might have to dig that budgie up they buried in the spring

And stuff it with some birdseed for their dinner.

When the third and final spirit comes, Poirot’s left bemused

For once again the home of Japp they pass.

He's pointing to the churchyard, and a grave that’s freshly dug, 

Inspector Japp’s there, kneeling on the grass.

 

Without a diagnosis Little Jim just won’t survive

And Poirot’s quick to notice that nearby

Upon another gravestone his own name has appeared 

So unless the future changes both will die  

Then all at once the mist swirls round and Poirot’s in a swoon

Realising he has fallen out of bed.

He rushes to the window and opens up the shutters

A good job or he would have banged his head.

 

“My little grey cells, I must use, to help save Little Jim, 

For I noticed he was sick straight after tea 

My dear Japp, I am such a fool. I should have known at once, 

Little Jim, he needs a diet, gluten free!” 

So Poirot goes to buy the biggest turkey he can find 

When Japp’s wife sees the bird she has a fit.

With some stuffing made from rice flour, Jim climbs inside the beast 

And sleeps there til they put it on the spit.

 

So Poirot’s quite determined to visit Scotland Yard

To urge the force that Japp be reinstated

He helps him solve a spate of crimes involving abc 

Within two weeks the culprit is located

Poirot has been quite transformed, his life is turned around.

He’s taking Capt Hastings for a break

They’ve booked the S.S. Karnak for a cruise along the Nile

I’m hoping that this isn’t a mistake.

 

Our tale now is over, and all has been resolved

The sun is up, all swirling mists have gone,

With Japp returned to office and Poirot to his flat

It’s time to say “God bless us everyone.