The Ballad of the Pier and Louise

There’s a famous seaside place called Skeggi,
That’s noted for fish, chips and peas
And Mr and Mrs Lockwheaton,
Went there with their daughter, Louise.

Louise was a right little madam
With her ringlets and ribbons of silk
She’d a pink little nose like a piglet
And a voice which could curdle the milk

Lou didn’t think much to beachfront
“You can’t see no waves for the mist.              
 That fisherman doesn’t look jolly
Quite frankly he looks round the twist.”    

Still the prom was quite crowded with trippers
In their “kiss me quick” hats, what a laugh.
No doubt on a ‘jolly’ from Leicester
For their chance, once a year, of a bath.

The stroll ‘long the front proved quite bracing
Then Pop said he fancied a beer
So mother suggested the cafe
That stood on the end of the pier.

Now Lou, knew the pier was a long ‘un
So whilst pa was fetching the tea
Lou suggested a stroll to the pier head
To wave at them Dutch ‘cross North Sea.
   
But Ma claimed her seat, near the window
To get a fine view of the place
Then a young lad arrived with his parents
And a scowl on one side of his face.

The boy was young Albert Ramsbottom
His parents were with him as well.
Lou turned her back on ‘em and mumbled
About the peculiar smell.

They ordered pork pie and some pickles
And plum loaf washed down with some tea
Some brawn and stuffed chine with a slice of brown bread
They wasn’t that hungry you see.




“This Skeggie’s a bit of a dump,” said the lad.
They ain’t got no tower, nor zoo
Them donkeys, they’ve all got arthritis
And t’sea here’s the colour of poo!

“I just can’t believe what I’m hearing.”
Said Pa in a voice loud and clear
“And where, might I ask, do yer came from
For there ain’t no place better than ‘ere?”

“We’re here on a day trip from Blackpool
“It’s finest resort on west coast.
We’ve one of them towers, like Frenchies
And winkles and pilchards on toast.”

“So what?” said Louise, “We’ve a pier ‘ere,
That’s longer than any you’ve seen.”
“You’re kidding.” The young lad retorted
“Look yonder and see what I mean.”

So all of them gazed through the window
The pier-head was stuck out at sea
But a great chunk o’ pier was just missing
Pa pondered, “Now, where can it be?

Louise, she had heard about piers now.
That they should be fixed to the ground.
“Some vandal’s been here and they’ve nicked it.
So come on, it’s got to be found.”

Now the coastguard looked older that Moses
he’d no idea where it had gone
Lou thought they should call out the lifeboat
So that was decided upon.

God bless the brave crew of the lifeboat
All risking their lives on the sea
But with no wrecks and nobody drownded
Most were home, having their tea.

And as for the crew at the boathouse
Some were already in bed.
So Lou and her parents decided
They’d take out the life-boat instead .

“I think that the pier has been stolen
So our mission is perfectly clear
We need to find out where it’s got to
Cos It’s clear that our pier is not here.”


Young Albert persuaded his parents
That they should assist in this quest
“All we need is a large picnic hamper.    
And an orange inflatable vest.”

Their search went from Cromer to Yarmouth
Past Walton-on-Naze and Southend
Albert said, “P’raps they have disguised it.”
But Lou said, “You’re quite round the bend.”      

For three days and nights they kept sailing
Past Kent and the Isle of Wight
They turned a sharp left after Cornwall
But Skeg’ pier was nowhere in sight.

Then Albert’s Pa shouted, “There’s Blackpool
I know it because of yon tower.
So you’d better slow down in the ‘arbour
Cos we’ll crash if you don’t reduce power.”

It was Albert who spotted the headline
On a billboard, it read, “I confess.
Ship’s captain pleads intoxication.
I was driven to drink in Skegness.”

 Albert then found a newspaper
“‘Twas a ship, the Europa, I fear.
It says that the captain weren’t looking
And drove his boat straight into pier.”

“We wouldn’t want your pier in Blackpool.
We’ve three of ‘em here, as it is.”
He’d a Polaroid snap just to prove it.
Which put Louise in a right tiz.

Lou’s dander was up when she realised
“Three piers in one town, that’s not fair.”
Then a thought crossed her mind, “We should take one
For nowhere needs more than a pair.”

Steel ropes wrapped around with silk ribbons
She tied to the legs of the pier
And t’other end fixed to the lifeboat
The throttle Lou put in first gear.

Slowly the strain it was taken
And soon the pier, broke away free.
Full-steam ahead, they went northwards.
They hadn’t no compass you see.


So somewhere out there on the oceans
Where a pier and those Skeggi folk roam
Should you spot a flotilla approaching Manila
Just tell them it’s time to go home.