Royal Flush

I’ll tell yer about Kings of England 

Along with a handful of Queens 

And, who followed who, in each century

All claiming blue blood in their genes.

The French sent the first Bill in 1066

After skirmish near old Hastings Town.

Next William Rufus, then Henry the first

Afore Stephen fought Maud, for the crown.

Now Henry Plantagenet, can you imagine it , 

Found himself next chap in line.

Next Richard the Lionheart, lacklander John

Then Henry the 3rd, who was nine.

Edward the First was the ‘hammer of scots.’

Edward Two just brought chaos and hassle

And noat more was heard from Edward the Third

After trip down to old Berkeley Castle.

Richard the Second took crown for a while

But was frankly a bit of a louse.

So got overthrown by Henry the Fourth, 

The first of the Lancaster house. 

Henry Five and then Six,  both entered the mix 

As the War of the Roses began.

From York in the north, came Edward the Fourth 

And he was a very tall man.

His sons were both princes in London’s white tower,

The elder became Edward Five.

But sadly he wasn’t around very long,

‘cos folks didn’t want him alive.

For hundreds of years they blamed Uncle Dick

Or Richard the Third as he’s known.

But Henry the Seventh ’s more likely the rogue

Who helped all them Tudors claim throne.

Now Henry the Eighth, that’s the bloke with six wives,

Though none were much help with the chores.

So he ranted and raved on for 38 years

Wouldn’t you with six mother-in-laws?

His nine year-old son became Edward the Sixth 

Soon followed by Mary, his daughter.

Then after her death came Queen ‘lizabeth 

Who ruled as her father had taught her.

Then Stuarts took over in 1603, 

With James , who was really a scot.

He nearly went bang in 1605 

All thanks to the gunpowder plot.

The next king was Charles, well he soon got the chop, 

After roundheads and Cromwell barged in.

Charles the Second felt merry and sometimes poor Nell

‘specially when tanked-up on gin.

The second King James lasted only three years 

Then together reigned William and Mary 

Queen Anne was the monarch with cabriole legs

Although I believe one was hairy!

Hanoverian George was offered the crown 

Though his English was said to be bad

A second George followed and later a third

Whose fifteen kids sent him quite mad.

With his Dad ‘off his trolley’ they brought in Prince George

And for nine years we had us a Regency

At his pad, down in Brighton, he’d party ‘till dawn

So hardly a picture of decency.

In spite of the beers, George the fourth had ten years

Then William the fourth became king.

But “Sailor Bill” died, without any brood

And that proved a most awk’ard thing.

His niece became queen, at the age of eighteen

So started the reign of Victoria. 

Prince Albert she wed, then the poor chap dropped dead 

Thus ending her chance of euphoria.

With the house of Hanover, decidedly over

A new royal household was found

So the throne went on offer, to SaxeCoberg-Gotha

When Edward the Seventh was crowned

Dislike of the Kaiser was rife in the war

So a new ‘Windsor’ house was created.

After Mary of Teck said, “I’ll marry, by heck.”

And the heir to the throne was elated.

So George took the throne when his father, Ted, died

And the fifth king to have such a name

But when Edward the Eighth was offered his chance

A crisis occurred, such a shame!

It just wasn’t his thing, for he wanted a fling 

With a woman who couldn’t be queen.

He soon abdicated, the throne was vacated 

So George the Sixth entered the scene.

Throughout the war King George held the throne

Until in the fifties he died

Since then we’ve had Lizzie who keeps very busy

With Philip, her Prince, by her side.

For sixty odd years she’s remained at the helm,

Whilst Charles calmly waits with his gal.

Yet Liz knows Camilla quite fancies her villa

Which stands at the end of the Mall.

Call the District Nurse

  Recently there have been a couple of television dramas exploring the lives of doctors and nurses working out in the community and these have reminded me of the numerous stories and anecdotes that my mother would tell of her experiences as a district nurse working along the edge of the Lincolnshire fens in the 1960s and 70s.

Nurse Jessie Temple (formerly Shaw) started her time on district work just when my brother and I had started at primary school. She was approached by a couple of local GPs to see if she would like to return to nursing, a career she had taken up during the Second World War. Before going off to study nursing she had worked on the family farm at East Keal for a time. She had tried out a few other jobs; acting as nanny to a couple of children at Langton Hall, cycling to work at a laundry at Skegness. She had not really enjoyed working on the land and talking to a couple of cousins, who had also chosen to train as a nurses, she found herself lodging with an aunt and uncle in Wisbech whilst she completed her training at the North Cambridgeshire Hospital. After marriage in the early fifties and a gap of 10 or so years she found it quite a challenge to pick up the reins of nursing again. However, she found working in the community was very different from working as one of a team in a hospital ward. Nevertheless, I think she was soon in her stride and remained on the district, in one capacity or another, until she retired in her late sixties.

 The job brought her up against many of the people with whom she had grown up; the farmers and folk who made their living from the land. She was less impressed by wealthy townies who had bought up country cottages only to ‘gut’ them and turn them into characterless weekend retreats. When she started out we didn’t own our own phone so every evening about a quarter to six she would stand in the telephone box which stood about fifty yards along the road waiting for the call telling her who required a visit the following day. It sounds odd but it was about two years before the health authority agreed to install a phone in our house. Oddly enough we were given a 2-party line so every time we needed the phone we had to press a button to take over the line. Curiously she was only supposed to use the phone for the first 30 minutes in every hour before our opposite number had precedence. As before the senior district nurse, Nurse Taylor, who lived within the grounds of Tattershall Castle, would ring daily to dole out patients to the three or four nurses under her charge. I recall in the mid sixties a Nurse Jackson covered the Woodhall Spa stretch and later on Nurse Mitchell, Nurse Eyre and my mother were brought in to share the increased work-load. My mother was not a midwife so she usually attended geriatric cases and long-term patients. The geographical area covered by my mother’s team was vast.  It stretched from Anton’s Gowt in the south (just outside Boston) to Horncastle and from Burgh le Marsh near Skegness to Billinghay just over the River Witham in the west. During the summer holidays I would travel with her on occasions reading my comic or listening to the radio whilst she visited some remote farm cottage out in the fen.

 On one occasion however I found myself in a right mess when, having fiddled with the car’s ignition, I caused the car to burst into life and it shot like a ferret after a rabbit right across a gravelled yard and through a low privet hedge. Although dramatic amazingly my escapade did little serious damage to both car and garden although my mother was none too pleased.

 As district nurse she visited some quaint places and met dozens of interesting characters over the years.

One lady she nursed, a member of the Lilley family, had been born and brought up in Teapot Hall, a unique, most curious example of vernacular cottage construction that stood just outside Dalderby off the Horncastle road. It was supposed to have been owned at one time by a retired captain of a tea clipper- hence its name. It was a timber-framed, thatched building shaped a bit like a section of Toblerone -  a prism in fact. Sadly it stood empty by the time of the Second world war and was burnt down in a fire in 1945 thought to have been started by some airmen celebrating the end of the war. The lady explained to my mother that at one time there were eight children living in the cottage with an outside privy (also thatched) and water only available from a pump outside the back door.

 Another patient was a former gamekeeper from Revesby Abbey who, at the time, still lived on the estate. He regaled mother with tales about shooting parties and grand dinners at the abbey when he was a young lad. Before the war his mother had worked in the kitchens of the great house and he would earn sixpence for assisting the chauffeurs polishing the cars of all the guests whilst visiting the Hall. He told her one story about a young lad from a local farm who was normally paid a few shillings to assist in ‘beating the bushes’ when visitors to the hall were invited to join a shooting party on nearby land. The lad was unlucky enough to get sprayed with shot on one occasion by one of the house-guests.  Fortunately he wasn’t badly hurt and as consolation for his injuries received a silver watch and chain from the guilty party.

Another of her patients was a descendent of George Jennings, one of the pioneers of the flush lavatory. I remember her telling me they still had a toilet and cistern decorated in blue peonies which they were still using every day in the 1970s.

After she retired she was still involved in caring when she joined the ranks of The Marie Curie and Macmillan nurses looking after terminally ill in the local community. She was also employed doing something that at the time I felt quite uneasy about; she would go out, often in the middle of the night, to assist the local undertakers, J.W. Sivill, in the laying out of the deceased. Only now can I look back and appreciate how hard she worked and how dedicated she was to serving her patients.

The Spaniel and the Mushroom Soup

 A lady was planning a supper party at her home for some close friends. She was a bit of a society snob and always liked to try and impress her dinner guests with the best locally sourced ingredients. She employed a cook who had a reputation for good, home-made rural fare. Unfortunately, on the day of the dinner, the cook was suddenly taken ill and couldn’t prepare the meal. The hostess knew that the maid was too inexperienced to be entrusted with preparing an impressive supper for her guests, so she decided she would have to prepare it herself.  She chose to serve a simple collation of the finest cold meats and cheese from the larder but thought she would also make a warming soup using a selection of mushrooms that she had found and picked in the adjacent woods whilst out walking with her pet spaniel . The maid queried this idea saying that Cook had often warned her that there were, “Many poisonous mushrooms in the woods that look just like the edible ones and perhaps Madam should reconsider serving wild mushroom soup.”

Madam, however, was having none of this and said she had made sure that the mushrooms she had picked were perfectly safe as she had given several pieces of the mushroom to the dog.

When the guests arrived she told them about the soup she had prepared and her way of testing the mushrooms. She went on to assure them that the dog was feeling fit and well. Supper went off very smoothly but a few moments after the dinner the maid suddenly ran screaming Into the dining room and shouted,

“Oh Madam, the dog is dead!”

The maid was instructed to ring for a couple of ambulances and after they arrived all the guests and the hostess were rushed to the A and E unit at the local hospital. After arriving at the hospital they all had their stomachs pumped using a nasogastric tube and a wash of activated charcoal, which was administered to prevent the absorption of any mushroom toxins. In addition, a strong bowel preparation of Colyte and magnesium citrate was given to all those who had partaken of the soup.

After a couple of hours the guests, feeling somewhat drained and weary, returned to the house of their hostess. The hostess ordered the maid to bring all her guests some strong coffee and brandy. When she returned with the drinks the maid said, ”Oh! by the way, the lorry driver is here to talk to madam.”

 Her hostess turned to the maid and asked, “What Lorry driver?”

The maid replied, “ The one who ran over the dog!”