The Parish Visitor

It's no use hiding from him in the wardrobe or the loo

For he seems to know by instinct when you're in.

He never gives you warning, otherwise you could pop out 

You may as well give up, you just can't win

It's not that he might hurt you, or try to steal your things

He's not coming for your vote or any money.

But still you dread those visits wishing he would go elsewhere

You always feel on edge, and that's not funny.

You tried to put him off last month by saying you had mumps

But he said that he had had ‘em years ago.           

So then you said the drains were blocked and smelt like rotten eggs

But he said, "I'll fetch a plumber that I know."

Each September you may spot him at the horticulture show 

He'll be stalking the refreshments as a rule.

He turned up at your wedding and you couldn't keep him out

He creeps into assemblies at the school.

Your neighbour, Mrs Fawcett, says she saw him yesterday

He was down in the allotments with the barrow

She saw him kneeling down so she thought he was at prayer,

'til he asked her if she'd like to see his marrow!

His visits make you nervous and last month he made you swear

You must admit you muttered, "Ruddy hell.”

What's that? You can hear footsteps, he's approaching down the path

Any moment now he'll knock or ring the bell.

"How are you Mrs Scarbro', what a lovely day it is

I was passing so I thought I'd look you up."

"Oh it's very nice to see you, I'm about to make some tea

Now then vicar, shall I pour us both a cup?

The Shepherds' Ballad

Some say it's cos we swear a lot and others that we smell
Cos we doesn't wash from one week to the next
Whatever is the reason, the townsfolk call us 'scum'.
And shunned by all is summat we expects.

To then be called "the chosen few" was quite a turnabout
And many said it shouldn't have been so,
"Them shepherds don't deserve it, so why should they be first?
Let's face it they're the lowest of the low."

But first we were, no doubt you've heard, upon them blasted hills
Where night by night we'd shelter on the ground
From out the dark and silent night, there came this shining light
And the glory of the heavens shone around.

I don't mind saying, we were frit, and many sheep far-weltered.
Despite that voice saying "Do not fear"
It's not a thing you often find, the sky jam-packed with angels
All singing, "Alleluia" in yer ear.

For quite some time the mighty dread then seized our troubled minds
Until the message came forth loud and clear
That God's Son would be born that night, a saviour for mankind.
In Bethlehem, Yes! God had chosen here.

"Now get you off down yonder, your sheep will all be safe"
Is what them angels then went on to say.
"And there you'll find a stable where the Christ Child has been born
You'll find him in a manger, in some hay.”

Now we're quite use to stables, we're shepherds after all
But a stable's not a place for God's own son
Yet that's how we found the babby, within an ox's stall
Above his head, a star that brightly shone.

But what could lowly shepherds bring to offer to the bairn
We had one newborn lamb, that seemed just right
His mother smiled sweetly saying, "That's the perfect gift
To bring to him, the Lamb of God, this night."

Frim folk and Yellowbellies

 

Some famous names, that you may know, have dwelt in Lincolnshire

That we should celebrate and name with pride

Come forth you men of science, politicians and the rest

From beneath those rocks and bushels where you hide.

Let's hear it for those Methodists, the Wesleys, Charles and John

Who brought about revival in this land.

Another good samaritan, Chad Varah was his name.

Who saw the need to lend a helping hand.

From Revesby came Sir Joseph Banks who made his name in Oz,

Like explorers Matthew Flinders and George Bass. 

From Spilsby there's John Franklin, who sailed in Arctic seas

As he searched through northern ice-flows for a pass.

Let's talk of Isaac Newton and of Maggie Thatcher too

Who left the streets of Grantham in their prime

Not forgetting Mr Parsons, that's Nicholas of course

Who gave us Just a Minute of his time.

I calculate that many folk won't know the name, George Boole

Who proposed a logic theory based on maths.

In contrast there's that teacher who featured in 'Please Sir'

John Alderton's brave efforts raised some laughs.

Remember Richard Todd, the actor known for busting dams

And big Geoff Capes, he put his shot nearby.

Not far away at Sleaford, Miss Saunders made us roar

She was Absolutely Fab, you can't deny.

Lord Tennyson from Somersby, composed a poem or two

The one about Child Harold left me bored

He wrote at length about some girl he took a fancy to

Down the garden he asked, "How about it, Maud?"

Before he made 'endeavours' in the town of dreaming spires

Colin Dexter lived in Stamford town.

The same place where Sir Malcolm Sargent spent his early years

As he practised promenading up and down

When Billy Butlin planned to build a campsite by the sea

Just north of Skeg he chose a 'bracing' site.

Yet the poem by Jean Inglelow it told a gloomy tale

Of a shoreline breached by storm and tidal might.

Cusha, cusha, cusha, calling; overture, beginners please

Come, Dame Sybil Thorndike take your bow

Miss Dickson sing your socks off, Joan Plowright strut your stuff 

Don't miss your cue, the limelight beckons now.

Jim Broadbent won an oscar and a bafta and a globe

He's an actor, not a runner in a race.

Tony Jacklin likes his birdies which does upset his wife

So he's under par, she's slapped him in the face

Now we've not seen much of royalty since Bolingbroke was here

Perhaps they never think of us as posh.

After crossing through the fens old King John turned up his toes.

He were miffed, he'd left Crown jewels in the wash.

Patricia Hodge and Robert Webb, some names you may have heard

Guy Martin's yet another off the 'telly'

But a better claim to fame is the fact you may have missed

They were fortunate to be born 'yellow-belly.'

So next time someone visits or stops you in the street

Just slap them on the back and call them, 'Fellow' 

Offer them a slice of chine, or better still, plum bread

And show them that your belly's rather yellow.

Mark Temple

Time 'for a song' gentlemen, please

When was the last time you enjoyed an old fashioned singsong down at your local?  I have thought it is rather sad that these days communities rarely have the chance to share in this enjoyable British tradition. Although we have numerous, trendy, wine bars and clubs offering karaoke these are quite different. They may give Tina Turner or Barry Manilow wannabes the chance to strut their stuff with their friends after a few drinks but these aren't community singalongs. I remember, as a student in the seventies, calling in a couple of loughborough, town-centre pubs where they still had an old upright piano in one corner of the public bar and where, for twenty minutes or so, twice a week, an enthusiastic local would sit down and reel through a repertoire of old songs. Specifically I remember, Mr Clarke at the Old Packe Horse (recently given a makeover and renamed the Organ Grinder). If I recall he had a rather gravelly voice which he used to launch most songs (largely to insure the revellers recognised which song he was currently playing)  before the whole room joined in. He rarely played with sheet music in front of him and songs were strung together with smooth dexterity. Every taste was catered for. Irish melodies were integrated with music hall ballads and wartime hits. Everything from Ivor Novello to Buddy Holly.  Occasionally soloists would be encouraged to lead a verse or two whilst the audience waited eagerly for the chorus. I remember he would pick out one of his personal favourites, which maybe less well-known, and he would continue to sing them through before returning to those more recognisable items. And I never heard him give up on a song even if no-one else in the room seemed to be singing.  

So, what has happened to this very British tradition? I heard on the radio a few weeks ago that a group in London (I think they were called PIPS: Pianos in Pubs for Singalongs) were trying to reintroduce pianos and pub singalongs into a couple of city pubs citing the fact that out of nearly 1000 London pubs surveyed only 7 still had pianos used regularly to accompany occasions of this type. I read in a magazine last year that in the Richmond area of Yorkshire, two students, just for a little bit of beer money in the summer holidays, were trawling around a number of willing inns nearby with an old piano in a horse-trailer simply to provide the locals with an opportunity for a good old-fashioned singsong.  I doubt there is any pub in my own county of Leicestershire that still has a piano available on the premises to be used in this way (I'd love to be corrected). It is very sad that this should be the case, more-so given the fact that one local lady, back in the 1960s, became a national treasure when her particular style of pub piano playing hit our television screens and rocketed her to stardom. I'm speaking of course of the village of ‘Our Glad’ also known as Hathern's Mrs Mills. I am no fan of jukeboxes playing incessantly in bars or restaurants and personally I shy away from pubs where football is screened non-stop from an overhead screen. Surely once a week a few minutes of live music, played by an enthusiastic pianist, would add something positive to the ambience and community spirit of any local hostelry.  The cockney 'knees up' had something of a revival in the eighties and nineties with the likes of Chas and Dave appearing on the Television but did it survive outside the confines of Shepherd's bush? Hardly. However, on a trip to London recently, I was pleasantly surprised to see that in the busy concourse within the St. Pancras and King Cross stations, several brightly painted, upright pianos had been installed to allow members of the public to play. Whilst sitting in one of the station cafes we heard several people playing a wide variety of pieces; songs from the shows alongside well-known, classical pieces. A crowd gathered for a few moments before disappearing again. Sadly there was no singing. 

The only time we get close to sharing anything like this in our village of Woodhouse Eaves is when a few locals gather to sing a few carols each Christmas in one of our village pubs. Such a pity, for back in the 1980s I recall going into a the Curzon Arms on more than one occasion to be entertained by a local amateur pianist and joining with the locals in such standards as, 'You are my sunshine, Pack up your troubles and forgotten classics like, You can't keep a horse in a lighthouse. They don't write 'em like that anymore.

Discovering Stoneywell

If you should pass through Charnwood on a sunny afternoon

You might just spot a sign to Stoneywell

And there beside the hornbeams and the heathers you will find

A haven with some tales still to tell.

James Bilson found a site to build in 1897

Two cottages for workman was his plan

Ernest Gimson, architect, was asked to do the job           

But he wanted someone else to share the land.

Gimson most admired the views he found at Ulverscroft.

At Chitterman, he toiled for just a year.

Then his brothers who were keen to leave the Leicester smog behind

Were persuaded they might come and settle here.

So Ernest set about the task of building yet again 

Two cottages for Mentor and for Syd.

Lea cottage, white and dressed in thatch, adjacent to the road

And Stoneywell secluded and well hid.

With the stable block behind you a footpath stretches forth.

Past fortresses where youthful limbs once played. 

Through the bilberries and ericas the sheep-walk leads you down

To a summer home where memories were made

The site that Ernest favoured lay beyond a twisted rowan

Thus a house was born, emerging from the granite

Along a zigzag path she stretched, tumbling down a slope.

Only genius would have the gaul to plan it.

Not only was he 'architect' he furnished them as well

From his workshop in the Cotswolds as his base

So he needed someone special to supervise the build

That's when Detmar Blow was brought in on the case

Now Detmar had a habit if he spied a rock he'd grab it.     

He'd take them from another fellah's land

He'd knock down some stone-wall, then he'd make it up again

So you might say, 'stones he used were second-hand.'

Strolling through this home so many wonders are revealed

It's a 'curious and enigmatic place.'

Where artistry and craftsmanship are skillfully combined

Giving glimpses of the past in time and space.

Though this cottage is spectacular its style remains vernacular

Simplicity and workmanship are key

An architectural gem that's distinctly arts and craft

But I've said enough, so now you come and see.

A Walking tour through the Woodhouses

Proceeding from the hilltop overlooking Woodhouse Eaves,

Here, the remnants of a windmill can be seen.

If the viewing platform's open you could see to Loughbro' town 

If it wasn't for them Outwoods in between.

Descend the leafy bower from the windmill and you'll find

A wayside chapel, lower down the lane

Through a trio of arched windows, do I spy a wisp of smoke?

Mrs Mollart's burnt the welsh-cakes yet again!

 

Across the road to Maplewell, you'll spot a timbered hall 

Where the lib'rals often met, in days of yore.

Here they spouted rousing speeches from the balcony above,

Even though the peasants found it quite a bore.

From this hall of liberty, raise your eyes towards the arch

That still stands below the summit of Nanhill.

As a tribute to those lads who went off to fight a war

Gone forever, though the memories linger still.

There lies a hidden gem, just beyond these hedges tall

A roundhouse, 'neath the thatch, to store the game.

What sort of game? I hear you ask, I haven't got a clue

But the balls must have been massive all the same.

A stroll along the donkey slip, which posh folk call 'Church Walk,'

Leads us on towards the rect'ry of St. Paul's.

For those who like their facts, 'twas the home of Basement Jaxx

Though no longer does their music rock these walls.

The "stone hole" lies behind the school, some folks call it a cave

Where the village children played come rain or shine. 

But I think it is a shame, that they removed the old school bell

I would want to nab it back, if it was mine.     

The Forest Rock has bit the dust, the Pear Tree is still serving

They have pastas, pizzas even panacotta.

But I mustn't say much more now or they'll say this is an 'ad'

Yet given half the chance, I'd eat the lotta.

The charming Slaters' Row is quite a picture to behold.

Hydrangeas grace each plot and cottage door. 

All those blooming flowers, don't they make a lovely show?

'Bet you've rarely seen such bloomers here before.

With barely one more hop, you're at Oakwood, Chemist shop 

Where the staff dispense advice with caring smiles

They'll never make a fuss as they sort you out a truss 

Or recommend a cream for all those piles.

On your right, the village hall, just in time to make a call

If we're lucky we might find they've got a rummage

Young farmers, guides or cubs have been scrounging round the pubs

Get there early or it can be quite a scrummage.

The surgery lies straight ahead, they strive to keep us healthy

The Methodists, next door, will deal with sin.

And if you cry, "But I am fit and pretty close to perfect." 

Then you're a 'better man than I am, Gunga Din.'

Stroll across the King's Field, picnic here or watch the cricket.

To Woodhouse next, with little time to rest.

Through meadows, passed old Rawlins' school and on to 'Pepper Lane'

To that cottage which, quite frankly, is a Pest.

For here lived Thomas Rawlins, who escaped a horrid death

When a pedlar called for rest and B and B.

Thank goodness he did not unpack his rucksack full of plague

But carried on to Eyam after Tea.

With Garat's Hay behind your back, approach the Welbeck site

No photographs! They'll slap you in the cooler.

The milit'ry security is pretty tight round here.

So we don't mess with the forces, as a rule-r.

The Old Bull's Head is looming up, we've no time for a snifter

For it's on towards the Beacon we are bound.

If you jog up to the summit then back down to Broombriggs' walk

You must follow all the signs to bring you round.

There's a new fence round an orchard where they've planted sapling trees,

Autumn fruits; like damsons, pears and cherries

So don't try any scrumping, for it just ain't worth the risk 

And the warden of the trees might squeeze your berries.

Returning past the windmill. Many thanks, the tour is ended.

I'm heading for the Curzon, it's down here.

Oh! My wallets in the pocket of the coat I left at home,

So I'm hoping one of you will buy the beer!

Disappearing Dogs along the Danube

Last year whilst enjoying a city break with my wife in Italy I explored the way florentine artists and sculptors had used our canine companions in their works. So this year when we had chance to travel to Hungary i thought it was an opportunity once again to seek out a few examples of dogs in art and stone from around the fine city of Budapest. How wrong I was. Although rich in pieces of public sculpture and art, examples of dog statues seemed few and far between. We did see plenty of pet dogs around the city several Bichon Frise and Shar Pei. There seems to be a custom of walking dogs without leads, testament perhaps to good training methods used by local owners.  

I have learnt to be subtle in my quest to seek out dog monuments as my wife has caught on to the fact that i will trek miles and end ways in my searching. She loves dogs but the barking and scampering variety; dog sculptures are not her thing. So this time, rather than leave it to chance, i decided to use the internet first to discover if and where I could find statues of dogs around the city. I was pointed in the direction of two sites. Firstly I noticed there existed a really sweet statue in bronze simply entitled, Girl with Dog, to be found close to the cafe France on the river embankment. As this was meters away from where we were due to embark on a short river-cruise I felt I could comfortably sneak off for a couple of minutes to snap a photo of the work. It took longer than a couple of minutes in fact after 25 minutes I had still seen neither hide nor hair of the little rascal. I returned to where I'd left my wife , by this time stamping her foot demanding a latte machiatti to placate her for being kept waiting. I explained what i was about and that said dog was not evident. She joined me, with my tablet containing photo of missing mutt, to assist in the search. Well, we found the lamp-post around which the bench should have been, on which the girl should have been sat, playing with her pet. It just wasn't there. I approached a young chap in a red tee shirt trying to entice passing tourists into the nearby cafe. Did he know the location of the statue of Girl with her dog? Yes, he did but it had been removed at Christmas when the city council decided to renew the paving slabs along this short stretch of the promenade through Vigoti Square. The statue had not been reinstated although another statue of a little princess, along the railings of the adjacent tramway, was by the same sculptor and was "very fine." Fine, it may have been but unless the little princess was a cocker spaniel I wasn't particularly interested. So that was failure number one. The next day we were on the city bus-tour passing through Elizabeth Square, the location identified , on the Web, for Budapest's famous Doberman statues. These should be really impressive! Two statues, each standing over twelve feet high, constructed on a metal frame out of wooden blocks by the modern hungarian sculptor, Gabor Miklos Szoke. We arrived at midday at this central location. We couldn't find the dobermans. I spotted three dachshunds and two greyhounds having 'walkies' but definitely no dobermans. I sort out a tour guide. The dobermans had indeed been there but as they were redeveloping the whole park area the statues had been removed, foiled again!

 However faithful reader before you gasp in despair I must reveal that my journey was not a total disaster for on the third day we were approaching the grand edifice which was once the royal palace on Buda hill. Approaching the building one sees a fine baroque fountain flanking one of the wings of Buda Castle. The Matthias Fountain (Mátyás kút), probably Budapest's most famous fountain was designed in 1904 by Alajos Stróbl. It depicts a scene from the legend of King Matthias and the beautiful peasant girl Ilonka. Rather brutish for modern taste it shows the king sat in triumph over a stag accompanied by his four hounds. One the right is the Italian chronicler, Galeotto Marzio who lived in King Matthias' court. A large deer-hound is resting at his feet and a falcon sits on his arm. We learnt that after much of the palace was destroyed in the second world war it was not until 2010 that the fountain was put back in its original state; I suppose we must consider ourselves lucky that these statues were restored at the same time!

Then on our final day would you believe I managed to locate a brand new statue, unveiled as recently as March 2014. It is of a Bassett hound and his equally famous owner, the legendary star of the TV crime series, Colombo. Yes, amazing as it is, there is a statue of the actor Peter Falk and his doggie companion only a stones throw from the St. Margaret island bridge. It is on the corner of a street aptly named Falk Miksa utca in Budapest’s District V and which was named after a 19th century Hungarian academic, newspaper editor and politician. According to the urban legends, he was the great grandfather of Peter Falk, whose jew ancestors – as it is written in Falk’s autobiography - came from Eastern Europe.

It sounds great but the problem is that there no any evidence for this. Nevertheless the statue made by Géza Fekete, a sculptor who conveniently lives just across the road, was commissioned because of Columbo's continuing popularity on Hungarian TV.  For the quiz enthusiasts among you, what was Columbo's dog called? No idea? Well, believe it or not it was Dog. Pathetic isn't it? all those little grey cells to solve crime and he couldn't even bother to give his dog a proper name.